TESTING!!!!

 

 

 

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This piece started as a test for a new printer but got carried away and got a life of its own.
WARNING: This is best read or even red (note a) allowed except in public libraries where reading books is not aloud. (Do not run a spell checker)
Testing...... Testing......
The quick brown toast fell on the lazy jam. There are only so many ways of saying that there are only so many ways. So..... many ways are not available.
To give a way is a dead give-away.
(Giving away the dead is not always easy. You might say this was an undertaking not worth undertaking by an undertaker. See Note 1)
It may have occurred to the reader that the foregoing passage makes very little sense. This is probably true. The decline in our manufacturing industries means that, in fact, and of course in fiction, we make very little of anything, including sense. Most of the things we use are imported. Does this mean that in future most of the sense will be Oriental? Would Confucian sense be better or worse than our native Confusion?
The use of cheap labour to produce sense would have advantages and disadvantages. Well, anything does, I suppose.
Take my word for it and bring it back when you have finished with it.
Advantages:
It would become available to a broader spectrum of the population. It would become common and might be called Common Sense.( see Note 2) Common Sense is not one of the Five Senses( Sight, Smell, Hearing, Taste, and Touch) (See Note 4) but nor is it Sixth Sense, which is not at all common . (See Naples and I)
Disadvantages are over. (Over the page that is, not over and done with.)


Disadvantages:
Any problems would have to be returned to the manufacturer. This would be time consuming and costly. Reliability would have to be very high. About fifteen metres should be enough. ( You could take feet, but then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.)
The manual would be translated from the relevant, or irrelevant, oriental language. Would it make sense? If it did, why not use the sense it makes instead of the sense it accompanies?
Why is it called a manual if it is not in Spanish? If you Si what I mean.
Italy has been aware of Oriental sense for centuries ,which the Romans called centurians, ever since Marco Polo (see Note 5) visited China. This is why Italian politics is conducted in Confusion. Rome was not built in a day. This was due to labour shortages. It was built by Romulus and Remus and must have been a lot of work for two lads who had only been fed on wolf's milk and had to rape all the Sabine women. Marco Polo lived in Venice (when he was at home) which was designed to avoid traffic problems by having no roads. The Venetians have lots of sewers instead. Thousands of visitors ride on boats called vaporetti to smell the vapours. If you go to Venice do ask to taste a delicious piazza.
At the north end of Italy are some very high mountains called after the plantive cry of the Dolomites when they are lost in the mountains. (See Note..Ive lost count) Many italians are olive skinned but the Dolomites are pink. In the south of Italy are the Mafia family who are all proudly descended from a lady called Cicely. They named an island after her.

 

Special Emergency Note: If in an emergency you are unable to acquire Common Sense then it is possible , theoretically, to use American Sense which is so common that they have one hundred to the Dollar. (Note4) ( Americans often do not understand irony which is why they tend to wear casual clothes which do not show the creases) (Perhaps that should be "Americans of ten......")
The French word for sense used to be sentimes one thing and centimes another.
Now they rely on Eurosense. The Germans have also left their Mark. As you will have noticed, the Russian rouble is quite a lot of trouble with no cents at all.
Appendix: This has been taken out.
Index; Couldn't put my finger on it.
Help Line: If you experience problems with any of the above you may * get advice if you e-mail bert@bertcollis.co.uk If you get no response to your call you should assume the answer is "um".
* 'may' in this instance ** could be taken to mean that it is theoretically possible though unlikely.
** I was going to use the word 'case' (instead of instance) but that might lead to awful puns about luggage which might not travel well. (Should there be a comma there?).
Copyright 1999
Bert Collis
(who has applied for asylum but they are all closed)

 

Note a : Even better is dark red....which it is.......mostly.

Note 1 : Giving away dead birds is comparatively easy but only if the birds are game. Further information can be obtained from the Dead Centre. (What do you mean, where is it? Its in the dead centre!) (Yes, I am dead certain!)

Note 2 : Common Sense (See Note 3) should not be confused with Common Scents which are the smells commonly found on unenclosed common land. These sometimes include Fresh Air. However this is becoming very uncommon and might well follow Fresh Water and be only available in bottles. At present there are only a few varieties available, such as Londonderry Air, Dan Air and Sunand Air.

Note 3 : Common Sense is not at all common and should not be confused with Commons sense which is extremely rare.

Note 4 : Talk of Money can be a source of much Fiction. Winnie the Pooh , a bear of little cents, prefered Honey to Money while the Owl and the Pussy Cat had plenty of both.

Note 5 : Before Marco Polo discovered China and made a mint (with a hole) ordinary people had to drink mead because they had no teacups.

Note 6 (That was it!) The name Dolomites may have derived from rich american scholars who got lost on their way to the island ofRhodes.

Bonus Note: Many buildings in Venice were designed by Andreas Palladio. This was not his real name (You can't be too careful in Italy and anyway who wants to be named after a lopsided canoe with only one oar) . He is thought to have chosen Palladio because it makes a nice adjective (Palladian). No the one in Argyll Street was not designed by him and anyway it ends in 'um' (which is the answer given to most questions).

 

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